Rose Byrne: Dixie
Melissa Villaseñor: Roxie
Kate McKinnon: Grandma
*Walking into church from the back*
Rose Byrne (Dixie) stands with her arms crossed, tapping foot.
Melissa Villasenor (Roxie) is gently helping Grandma Kate McKinnon onto lone chair in front of pulpit.
Dixie: Comfy, Grandma? Happy now?
Gma: Oh, yes, this is much better, thank you.
Dixie: Good. Care to tell us why the hell we had to switch buildings?!
Roxie: Geez, don’t swear at grandma.
Dixie: Oh, really? I’m the bad guy? I’m the one who started a freaking vampire Apocalypse, waited for us to find safety surrounded by guards with really big guns, and then had a fit about no, we have to leave and go to the church.
Roxie: She loves church.
Dixie: Well, I’d like to stay alive, instead of having my last moments spent with the two of you and your bullshit. I need to know why this old ass witch that I love so damn much had a breakdown about getting us here to the point I was terrified that she was having a heart attack, and now look at her. Sitting there like a fat happy bird, content with dragging us to our deaths.
Gma: Ok, enough with the dramatics, and listen to grandma. Roxie, I need you to collect some holy water in this (pulls out spray bottle from ginormous purse), and then come back to me for more instructions. Dixie, can you go to the office and see if the Pastor has any cupcakes left from the batch I brought over Sunday?
Dixie: Woman, I am not going to get you a snack right now. I need you to sit there and think about what you have done.
Gma: Sure. Oh, shit, vampire incoming. Roxie, spray him! Dixie (hand in bag, brings out a long ass slinky) I need you to put this in a circle around us.
Roxie: *Sprays*, *vampire hisses*
Gma: Do it!
Dixie: Crazy ass family. *Does it*
Alex Moffat Vampire (Outfitted in Hot Topic, as is all of his clan.): You may have succeeded in burning me, but your ward will not last forever.
Gma: Oh yes it will, because I was drinking Vinegar when I bought it, and I soaked it in Dr Pepper for 3 days.
Alex: *Gasp* How do you know of our weaknesses?
Dixie: Wait, that works? Cause shouldn’t it be drink the Diet Dr Pepper, and soak with the vinegar? Just contextually?
Gma: Well, missy, you never attended a special summer camp when you were a girl that went into vast detail about evil and vampires and which stabby thing kills them. Oh, Camp Vladula. Why did you all have to die so mysteriously and then burn to the ground?
Roxie: Should I spray him again, grandma?
Gma: No, we’re safe in the slinky. *Starts to look through bag again*
Dixie: Safe? What if more of his kind shows up?
Gma: Ok, what you’re not understanding is that we are in a church. And while we are in here, it is a only enough unholiness room for one vampire at a time kind of protection.
Dixie: So how do we kill him?
Roxie: This is fun:)
Gma: *Takes tiny book from bag* Here. *Gives to Dixie* I need you to say these at him.
Dixie: *Reads* You hiss like a possum.
Alex: *Holds hand over heart* Argh!
Dixie: I don’t hate what you are, I just hate you as a person.
Alex: Why are you so mean?
Dixie: You’re like a large cat that won’t shut up.
Alex: *Dies and explodes into dust*
Roxie: Did you just kill him with your mind?
Dixie: Did I?
Gma: Vampires can not take three insults in a row. They are creatures with little to no constitution. If you say their name sarcastically, it’s immediate ash. But then you have to try to start a whole conversation to get it, and it’s not worth it.
Roxie: Hey look, it’s a bunny!
*Pete Davidson hops in as a bunny vampire*
Gma: Bunnicula. *Hands Dixie chocolate bar from purse* Throw this to him.
Dixie: *Tosses to Pete*
Pete: *Eats Chocolate* Can I have some more, please?
Gma: The Manpires are hiding the rest of it.
Pete: Those bastards. Okay. *Hops off*
Dixie: Move over.
Gma: Bunniculas are like Hippos for chocolate. We’re safe while he hunts.
Dixie: Yeah, yeah, I’m sitting. *Sits on corner of Gma’s chair* Move your big butt.
Roxie: *Sits on Kate and Rose* I love you guys so much.
Gma: Careful, my bag.
Roxie: It’s not comfortable.
*Mikey Day Vampire Enters*
Gma: Sigh. Up, girls.
*Leslie Jones as priest enters from back office*
Leslie: *Yells at Mikey* You better get out of my church!
*Mikey runs away*
Leslie: Yup. Come on, ladies. They are not coming back in here. I’m a black woman priest, these assholes are terrified of me.
Gma: You still have my cupcakes back there?
Leslie: No. I’ve got pie and some kind of casserole.
Gma: Girls, bring the slinky.