What if Skit: Cecily Strong on SNL

Cecily sits in armchair next to fireplace. Fancy.

Cecily Strong: Hello. Do you have problems sleeping? Is your vision constantly full of rage? Well, my name is Jaceline BittenBeach, and today I am going to share with you how to make these problems melt away.

First, get a velvet chair large enough to relax in with a lap creature. *Is handed a tiny dog* Now, stare at the fire and think about all who have wronged you. Mmm. Feel it burn. At this point, memory refreshed and raring to go, it is time to transition to your meditation desk. *Hands back dog*

Pan to desk, Cecily sits in deskchair.

I like to purge my feelings onto gold leaf stationary with my name on it. When these people receive them, I want them to know exactly who sent it.

Take your pen in hand with purpose. And begin.

Dear Abilgal Wainwright,

Your stupid horse wandered onto my land and hoofed his way into my stables. My Thoroughbred Mitzi is now an unwed pregnant whore horse. I ripped up her breeding papers in front of her and made it clear she was never to entertain your scallywag horse ever again. I will help Mitzi through this, as she has a bright future ahead of her. If I see your unwelcome semen horse ever again, I will shoot first and have the gardener bury it later.

Yours Truly,

Jaceline BittenBeach

Folds letter, puts aside.

Dear Mother,

Just wanted to say that I’ve been watching Sharp Objects and thinking of you.

Love and Kisses,

Jaceline BittenBeach

See? Isn’t it nice to get things off your chest? I hoped this has helped more people like me, who just need to relieve some gosh darn tension at the end of the day. Have a good night, and a bed wine. I know I will.

 

What if Skit: Rose Byrne on SNL

Rose Byrne: Dixie

Melissa Villaseñor: Roxie

Kate McKinnon: Grandma

 

*Walking into church from the back*

Rose Byrne (Dixie) stands with her arms crossed, tapping foot.

Melissa Villasenor (Roxie) is gently helping Grandma Kate McKinnon onto lone chair in front of pulpit.

Dixie: Comfy, Grandma? Happy now?

Gma: Oh, yes, this is much better, thank you.

Dixie: Good. Care to tell us why the hell we had to switch buildings?!

Roxie: Geez, don’t swear at grandma.

Dixie: Oh, really? I’m the bad guy? I’m the one who started a freaking vampire Apocalypse, waited for us to find safety surrounded by guards with really big guns, and then had a fit about no, we have to leave and go to the church.

Roxie: She loves church.

Dixie: Well, I’d like to stay alive, instead of having my last moments spent with the two of you and your bullshit. I need to know why this old ass witch that I love so damn much had a breakdown about getting us here to the point I was terrified that she was having a heart attack, and now look at her. Sitting there like a fat happy bird, content with dragging us to our deaths.

Gma: Ok, enough with the dramatics, and listen to grandma. Roxie, I need you to collect some holy water in this (pulls out spray bottle from ginormous purse), and then come back to me for more instructions. Dixie, can you go to the office and see if the Pastor has any cupcakes left from the batch I brought over Sunday?

Dixie: Woman, I am not going to get you a snack right now. I need you to sit there and think about what you have done.

Gma: Sure. Oh, shit, vampire incoming. Roxie, spray him! Dixie (hand in bag, brings out a long ass slinky) I need you to put this in a circle around us.

Dixie: But..

Roxie: *Sprays*, *vampire hisses*

Gma: Do it!

Dixie: Crazy ass family. *Does it*

Alex Moffat Vampire (Outfitted in Hot Topic, as is all of his clan.): You may have succeeded in burning me, but your ward will not last forever.

Gma: Oh yes it will, because I was drinking Vinegar when I bought it, and I soaked it in Dr Pepper for 3 days.

Alex: *Gasp* How do you know of our weaknesses?

Dixie: Wait, that works? Cause shouldn’t it be drink the Diet Dr Pepper, and soak with the vinegar? Just contextually?

Gma: Well, missy, you never attended a special summer camp when you were a girl that went into vast detail about evil and vampires and which stabby thing kills them. Oh, Camp Vladula. Why did you all have to die so mysteriously and then burn to the ground?

Roxie: Should I spray him again, grandma?

Gma: No, we’re safe in the slinky. *Starts to look through bag again*

Dixie: Safe? What if more of his kind shows up?

Gma: Ok, what you’re not understanding is that we are in a church. And while we are in here, it is a only enough unholiness room for one vampire at a time kind of protection.

Dixie: So how do we kill him?

Roxie: *sprays*

Alex: Hisssss

Roxie: This is fun:)

Gma: *Takes tiny book from bag* Here. *Gives to Dixie* I need you to say these at him.

Dixie: *Reads* You hiss like a possum.

Alex: *Holds hand over heart* Argh!

Dixie: I don’t hate what you are, I just hate you as a person.

Alex: Why are you so mean?

Dixie: You’re like a large cat that won’t shut up.

Alex: *Dies and explodes into dust*

Roxie: Did you just kill him with your mind?

Dixie: Did I?

Gma: Vampires can not take three insults in a row. They are creatures with little to no constitution. If you say their name sarcastically, it’s immediate ash. But then you have to try to start a whole conversation to get it, and it’s not worth it.

Roxie: Hey look, it’s a bunny!

*Pete Davidson hops in as a bunny vampire*

Gma: Bunnicula. *Hands Dixie chocolate bar from purse* Throw this to him.

Dixie: *Tosses to Pete*

Pete: *Eats Chocolate* Can I have some more, please?

Gma: The Manpires are hiding the rest of it.

Pete: Those bastards. Okay. *Hops off*

Dixie: Move over.

Gma: Bunniculas are like Hippos for chocolate. We’re safe while he hunts.

Dixie: Yeah, yeah, I’m sitting. *Sits on corner of Gma’s chair* Move your big butt.

Roxie: *Sits on Kate and Rose* I love you guys so much.

Gma: Careful, my bag.

Roxie: It’s not comfortable.

*Mikey Day Vampire Enters*

Gma: Sigh. Up, girls.

*Leslie Jones as priest enters from back office*

Leslie: *Yells at Mikey* You better get out of my church!

*Mikey runs away*

Leslie: Yup. Come on, ladies. They are not coming back in here. I’m a black woman priest, these assholes are terrified of me.

Gma: You still have my cupcakes back there?

Leslie: No. I’ve got pie and some kind of casserole.

Gma: Girls, bring the slinky.

What if Skit: John Cho on SNL

I wrote up a skit for a John Cho hosting of Saturday Night Live. I did this because I felt compelled, and it was fun.

He looks dapper as ever behind his “Personally Muddled / Certified Organic Fireworks” stand. It is not by the side of some small town road the fuck out of there. It is in the middle of a Fourth of July family festival, because his shit is homemade and full of heart. He is wearing a bowler hat, vest, and old timey mustache. It does not look weird on him, because he is John Cho.

 

Customer (Beck Bennett): I need ten of your most explosive big thing you got back there.

John Cho: Close your eyes.

Beck Bennett, who is kinda drunk and wearing one those tank tops for men with the realllly big armholes. Not for disparaging reasons, but because it’s the forth of July: Ok.

JC: Picture an inky black sky that feels like death and destruction but makes you want to cradle its beauty for the rest of your days. There is no one here. No one here but you and the sky and a love so pure that your body becomes weightless. What’s that sound?

Beck: Oh my god, what is it?

JC: It’s the stars. Millions and millions of burning lights that seek you out in the darkness. Pink from the east, butter yellow from the west, and specks of baby blue all over. Each one called to you. They swirl around you and explode in a tornado of love and beauty and light which purifies your soul like the first step of a new born fawn. Open your eyes, and go out into this world carrying this light with you forevermore.

Beck, crying: Thank you.

JC: *Nods*

---

Kyle Mooney, trying to match Cho’s level of hipster perfection but failing: Hey, like, what do you think I should get? Like, what’s the freshest thing here?

JC: The closest to my heart is a peacock named Penelope. Her feathers are coated in Biodegradable glitter and when her tail fans out and up and a little over, it’s like the Northern Lights. Which is where we met.

Kate McKinnon as Penelope pops up: Squawk!

JC: Yeah, she does not like you and your whole vibe, so I need you to go away.

*Kyle sadwalks away*

Penelope: Squawk.

JC: Yes. Soon, darling.

---

Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner, girl nighting it hard: *speaking softly the whole time, like it’s a secret, but obviously stage whispers*

C&H: Hi. Hi. We have martinis. They are sooo good, and totally recommend (points to food truck). And this whole thing is like so nice. But. Can we have, um, sparklers to put in our glasses?

Heidi: You don’t have to!

Cecily: But it would just mean so much, because we’re such good friends. And I love America.

Heidi: It’s just kind of disappointing, because they were out of the cheese we like.

Either/Or: And we just want to feel special.

Cecily: So, if you could find it in your heart. To please sell us some sparklers to put into our drinks.

Heidi: That would be so amazing.

Cecily: AMAZING. Sorry.

JC: *Brings out glass of sticks, upon each is a very glowy glowworm.*

C&H both start to speak at normal volume: Ooohhh!

JC: What color?

Cecily: Gold

Heidi: Pink.

JC: *Places chill glowworms into glasses.*

Heidi: What is it?

JC: Do not worry, these glowworms are very well trained and gentlemanly. They only wish to sparkle naturally and keep you company. Fabricated sparklers are environment killers and fire hazards to those gorgeous lady frocks. Let me introduce you to Gus and Van Sant.

Cecily: They have names?!

Heidi: I think mine just smiled at me. It gives me this feeling that I will never be judged or found lacking ever again.

Cecily: Well I think mine wants to marry me.

JC: I think you might be right, that was the dirtiest wink that I have ever seen. I apologize, would you like to switch glowworms? Neil is much less hot blooded.

Cecily: No. I like it. Here’s my phone. I have Apple Pay, take whatever you think is appropriate and I will send my friend back for it later.

Heidi: That’s me.

---

Melissa Villasenor: *Points* What’s that?

JC: Night Boomerang.

MV: Cool. What’s that?

JC: Bags full of luminous sand that you can pierce with any handy bow and arrow.

MV: Nice. What’s that?

JC: Jars of fireflys, each one trained to fly in the pattern shown in chalk onto charcoal paint as is the customary label.

MV: Sold. Can I get the Banjo Fireflys and two night boomerangs?

JC: It would be my greatest pleasure. Enjoy the night, strange one of good taste.

MV: Right back at you, Fire Butler.