What if Skit: Cecily Strong on SNL

Cecily sits in armchair next to fireplace. Fancy.

Cecily Strong: Hello. Do you have problems sleeping? Is your vision constantly full of rage? Well, my name is Jaceline BittenBeach, and today I am going to share with you how to make these problems melt away.

First, get a velvet chair large enough to relax in with a lap creature. *Is handed a tiny dog* Now, stare at the fire and think about all who have wronged you. Mmm. Feel it burn. At this point, memory refreshed and raring to go, it is time to transition to your meditation desk. *Hands back dog*

Pan to desk, Cecily sits in deskchair.

I like to purge my feelings onto gold leaf stationary with my name on it. When these people receive them, I want them to know exactly who sent it.

Take your pen in hand with purpose. And begin.

Dear Abilgal Wainwright,

Your stupid horse wandered onto my land and hoofed his way into my stables. My Thoroughbred Mitzi is now an unwed pregnant whore horse. I ripped up her breeding papers in front of her and made it clear she was never to entertain your scallywag horse ever again. I will help Mitzi through this, as she has a bright future ahead of her. If I see your unwelcome semen horse ever again, I will shoot first and have the gardener bury it later.

Yours Truly,

Jaceline BittenBeach

Folds letter, puts aside.

Dear Mother,

Just wanted to say that I’ve been watching Sharp Objects and thinking of you.

Love and Kisses,

Jaceline BittenBeach

See? Isn’t it nice to get things off your chest? I hoped this has helped more people like me, who just need to relieve some gosh darn tension at the end of the day. Have a good night, and a bed wine. I know I will.

 

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What if Skit: Rose Byrne on SNL

Rose Byrne: Dixie

Melissa VillaseƱor: Roxie

Kate McKinnon: Grandma

 

*Walking into church from the back*

Rose Byrne (Dixie) stands with her arms crossed, tapping foot.

Melissa Villasenor (Roxie) is gently helping Grandma Kate McKinnon onto lone chair in front of pulpit.

Dixie: Comfy, Grandma? Happy now?

Gma: Oh, yes, this is much better, thank you.

Dixie: Good. Care to tell us why the hell we had to switch buildings?!

Roxie: Geez, don’t swear at grandma.

Dixie: Oh, really? I’m the bad guy? I’m the one who started a freaking vampire Apocalypse, waited for us to find safety surrounded by guards with really big guns, and then had a fit about no, we have to leave and go to the church.

Roxie: She loves church.

Dixie: Well, I’d like to stay alive, instead of having my last moments spent with the two of you and your bullshit. I need to know why this old ass witch that I love so damn much had a breakdown about getting us here to the point I was terrified that she was having a heart attack, and now look at her. Sitting there like a fat happy bird, content with dragging us to our deaths.

Gma: Ok, enough with the dramatics, and listen to grandma. Roxie, I need you to collect some holy water in this (pulls out spray bottle from ginormous purse), and then come back to me for more instructions. Dixie, can you go to the office and see if the Pastor has any cupcakes left from the batch I brought over Sunday?

Dixie: Woman, I am not going to get you a snack right now. I need you to sit there and think about what you have done.

Gma: Sure. Oh, shit, vampire incoming. Roxie, spray him! Dixie (hand in bag, brings out a long ass slinky) I need you to put this in a circle around us.

Dixie: But..

Roxie: *Sprays*, *vampire hisses*

Gma: Do it!

Dixie: Crazy ass family. *Does it*

Alex Moffat Vampire (Outfitted in Hot Topic, as is all of his clan.): You may have succeeded in burning me, but your ward will not last forever.

Gma: Oh yes it will, because I was drinking Vinegar when I bought it, and I soaked it in Dr Pepper for 3 days.

Alex: *Gasp* How do you know of our weaknesses?

Dixie: Wait, that works? Cause shouldn’t it be drink the Diet Dr Pepper, and soak with the vinegar? Just contextually?

Gma: Well, missy, you never attended a special summer camp when you were a girl that went into vast detail about evil and vampires and which stabby thing kills them. Oh, Camp Vladula. Why did you all have to die so mysteriously and then burn to the ground?

Roxie: Should I spray him again, grandma?

Gma: No, we’re safe in the slinky. *Starts to look through bag again*

Dixie: Safe? What if more of his kind shows up?

Gma: Ok, what you’re not understanding is that we are in a church. And while we are in here, it is a only enough unholiness room for one vampire at a time kind of protection.

Dixie: So how do we kill him?

Roxie: *sprays*

Alex: Hisssss

Roxie: This is fun:)

Gma: *Takes tiny book from bag* Here. *Gives to Dixie* I need you to say these at him.

Dixie: *Reads* You hiss like a possum.

Alex: *Holds hand over heart* Argh!

Dixie: I don’t hate what you are, I just hate you as a person.

Alex: Why are you so mean?

Dixie: You’re like a large cat that won’t shut up.

Alex: *Dies and explodes into dust*

Roxie: Did you just kill him with your mind?

Dixie: Did I?

Gma: Vampires can not take three insults in a row. They are creatures with little to no constitution. If you say their name sarcastically, it’s immediate ash. But then you have to try to start a whole conversation to get it, and it’s not worth it.

Roxie: Hey look, it’s a bunny!

*Pete Davidson hops in as a bunny vampire*

Gma: Bunnicula. *Hands Dixie chocolate bar from purse* Throw this to him.

Dixie: *Tosses to Pete*

Pete: *Eats Chocolate* Can I have some more, please?

Gma: The Manpires are hiding the rest of it.

Pete: Those bastards. Okay. *Hops off*

Dixie: Move over.

Gma: Bunniculas are like Hippos for chocolate. We’re safe while he hunts.

Dixie: Yeah, yeah, I’m sitting. *Sits on corner of Gma’s chair* Move your big butt.

Roxie: *Sits on Kate and Rose* I love you guys so much.

Gma: Careful, my bag.

Roxie: It’s not comfortable.

*Mikey Day Vampire Enters*

Gma: Sigh. Up, girls.

*Leslie Jones as priest enters from back office*

Leslie: *Yells at Mikey* You better get out of my church!

*Mikey runs away*

Leslie: Yup. Come on, ladies. They are not coming back in here. I’m a black woman priest, these assholes are terrified of me.

Gma: You still have my cupcakes back there?

Leslie: No. I’ve got pie and some kind of casserole.

Gma: Girls, bring the slinky.

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Fandom 5: Characters that Shaped Me

Brittany, The Chipmunk Adventure

As a tiny youngling, I watched The Chipmunk Adventure on repeat. For years. It is preserved as a whole perfectly in my brain to this day. Looking at it now, it’s still a classic. A girls versus boys race around the world in hot air balloons as cover for a smuggling operation. My favorite parts are when the head Chipette, Brittany, sings at Alvin that shes gonna kick his ass. While she dances around him so magically that sparkles appear. I bonded to that fiercely.

Katharine Hepburn, Desk Set

As a slightly older youngling, I then found the character Bunny Watson. She worked in a research library, had amazing friends/co-workers, and knew at least a little about everything. I wanted to be her when I grew up. I still do.

Flora, Cold Comfort Farm

Robert Poste’s child has a strong center of gravity keeping her feet so firmly on the ground that nothing puts her off kilter. She quests for projects and messes to tidy. No problem daunts her, no person intimidates her ability.

Nikita, La Femme Nikita

Growing up in the 90s meant a lot of lady assassin content to look up to. I caught La Femme Nikita every week on USA network, needing my fix. Peta Wilson and her outfits kicking bad guys in the face. It was perfect for preteen Stephanie. Oh, Luc Besson, you spoil me.

Penny, The Big Bang Theory

In the early seasons of Big Bang Theory I was going through a divorce and my grandfather passed away. My life needed to be rebuilt, and Penny helped me. She made me feel like it is okay to be positive, to find a sweetness in life again. As much as I got the references of the guys and their geek talk, Penny was the one who spoke to me. As the seasons went on, I fell out of love with the show, especially with how it treats the female characters. It has been a while since I had to walk away. But I will always ship Penny and Sheldon. And I will always feel love for Penny and how she enabled me to wear pink and feel bitchin.

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