What if Skit: John Cho on SNL

I wrote up a skit for a John Cho hosting of Saturday Night Live. I did this because I felt compelled, and it was fun.

He looks dapper as ever behind his “Personally Muddled / Certified Organic Fireworks” stand. It is not by the side of some small town road the fuck out of there. It is in the middle of a Fourth of July family festival, because his shit is homemade and full of heart. He is wearing a bowler hat, vest, and old timey mustache. It does not look weird on him, because he is John Cho.

 

Customer (Beck Bennett): I need ten of your most explosive big thing you got back there.

John Cho: Close your eyes.

Beck Bennett, who is kinda drunk and wearing one those tank tops for men with the realllly big armholes. Not for disparaging reasons, but because it’s the forth of July: Ok.

JC: Picture an inky black sky that feels like death and destruction but makes you want to cradle its beauty for the rest of your days. There is no one here. No one here but you and the sky and a love so pure that your body becomes weightless. What’s that sound?

Beck: Oh my god, what is it?

JC: It’s the stars. Millions and millions of burning lights that seek you out in the darkness. Pink from the east, butter yellow from the west, and specks of baby blue all over. Each one called to you. They swirl around you and explode in a tornado of love and beauty and light which purifies your soul like the first step of a new born fawn. Open your eyes, and go out into this world carrying this light with you forevermore.

Beck, crying: Thank you.

JC: *Nods*


Kyle Mooney, trying to match Cho’s level of hipster perfection but failing: Hey, like, what do you think I should get? Like, what’s the freshest thing here?

JC: The closest to my heart is a peacock named Penelope. Her feathers are coated in Biodegradable glitter and when her tail fans out and up and a little over, it’s like the Northern Lights. Which is where we met.

Kate McKinnon as Penelope pops up: Squawk!

JC: Yeah, she does not like you and your whole vibe, so I need you to go away.

*Kyle sadwalks away*

Penelope: Squawk.

JC: Yes. Soon, darling.


Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner, girl nighting it hard: *speaking softly the whole time, like it’s a secret, but obviously stage whispers*

C&H: Hi. Hi. We have martinis. They are sooo good, and totally recommend (points to food truck). And this whole thing is like so nice. But. Can we have, um, sparklers to put in our glasses?

Heidi: You don’t have to!

Cecily: But it would just mean so much, because we’re such good friends. And I love America.

Heidi: It’s just kind of disappointing, because they were out of the cheese we like.

Either/Or: And we just want to feel special.

Cecily: So, if you could find it in your heart. To please sell us some sparklers to put into our drinks.

Heidi: That would be so amazing.

Cecily: AMAZING. Sorry.

JC: *Brings out glass of sticks, upon each is a very glowy glowworm.*

C&H both start to speak at normal volume: Ooohhh!

JC: What color?

Cecily: Gold

Heidi: Pink.

JC: *Places chill glowworms into glasses.*

Heidi: What is it?

JC: Do not worry, these glowworms are very well trained and gentlemanly. They only wish to sparkle naturally and keep you company. Fabricated sparklers are environment killers and fire hazards to those gorgeous lady frocks. Let me introduce you to Gus and Van Sant.

Cecily: They have names?!

Heidi: I think mine just smiled at me. It gives me this feeling that I will never be judged or found lacking ever again.

Cecily: Well I think mine wants to marry me.

JC: I think you might be right, that was the dirtiest wink that I have ever seen. I apologize, would you like to switch glowworms? Neil is much less hot blooded.

Cecily: No. I like it. Here’s my phone. I have Apple Pay, take whatever you think is appropriate and I will send my friend back for it later.

Heidi: That’s me.


Melissa Villasenor: *Points* What’s that?

JC: Night Boomerang.

MV: Cool. What’s that?

JC: Bags full of luminous sand that you can pierce with any handy bow and arrow.

MV: Nice. What’s that?

JC: Jars of fireflys, each one trained to fly in the pattern shown in chalk onto charcoal paint as is the customary label.

MV: Sold. Can I get the Banjo Fireflys and two night boomerangs?

JC: It would be my greatest pleasure. Enjoy the night, strange one of good taste.

MV: Right back at you, Fire Butler.

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Casting a Remake: My Cousin Vinny

Vinny Gambini: Chris Messina

After seeing him in The Mindy Project and The Newsroom, I can very clearly picture him as Vinny.

Mona Lisa Vito: Mila Kunis

The twinkly passionate rants that come so easily to Mona Lisa, would be well delivered by Mila.

Bill Gambini: Diego Boneta

Diego was also a murder suspect on Scream Queens where he was charming as hell.

Stan Rothenstein: DeRon Horton

DeRon is a sweet modern nerdy angel on Dear White People, and I feel like he would do well as the compatriot of Vinny’s cousin.

Judge Chamberlain Haller: Holly Hunter

Holly can do smart but kinda hick, and ultimately fair.

Jim Trotter III: Cary Elwes

Cary is quite able to play a creepy seemingly helpful southern gentleman.

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Fictional 5: Favorite Hotels

Thanks to the Geeky Tourist for coming up with new Fictional Five prompts, and giving me a little bit of blogging push.

Here are my favorite fictional hotels:

The Raven Hotel

 

Altered Carbon is a fairly interesting Netflix series that is very pretty. So, so pretty. The best thing about it is the AI angel that runs the AI Raven Hotel. He is an amalgamation of what the Hotel programmers thought Edgar Allen Poe was like, and the most adorable creature in this world. In fact my main complaint about the show so far is that it has been a couple of episodes since I have seen him.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

 

Gods do I want to live in a Wes Anderson film. The colors, fun characters, and impeccable service at this fictional take on a real hotel make me envious for the lucky people inside them.

Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s Turtle Bay Resort

 

Again, a sort of fictional take on a real resort. The movie brought in some nice Hollywood extras and of course Mila Kunis will not be there as a most helpful check-in desk person.

Bertram’s Hotel

 

This selection is more about wanting to solve a mystery with Miss Marple. Bertram’s is a corrupt murder and nazi ridden place, so it’s not very restful.

Fawlty Towers

 

Sybil is dazzling and Basil does not deserve her. Her nightie game is complicated and infinitely varied. She knows how to talk to people and do things like actually run the hotel. I love her. She is my hero.

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SNL Dream Host List 2018

Here we go again:) It’s a rainy as hell spring here in Texas, so Stephanie is stuck inside and full of feelings.

This year there are no rules. I opened the list to all possibilities and people that have hosted before. Here is my pure I dreamed a dream host list for season 44:

September

Tiffany Haddish

 

My favorite host of the 43rd season so far, Tiffany is the brightest star in my possibility sky.

Margot Robbie

 

She opened season 42 with one of the best episodes in recent memory. She commits to the mayhem and I would like to see her become a new regular.

John Boyega

 

SNL needs some British humour every now and then, and so do I.

October

Kerry Washington

 

Please come back. It’s been so long.

Aubrey Plaza

 

Hey weirdo, wanna host the pre-Halloween episode?

Taika Waititi

 

Have you seen What We Do in the Shadows? He has to do Halloween.

November

Leslie Mann

 

She’s so cute and sweet and the right kind of crazy.

Donald Glover

 

Come on, man. Let’s do this.

Retta

 

Retta doing the Thanksgiving episode? Do it.

December

Zendaya

 

Lorne! Lorne! *poke* Lorne!!

Chadwick Boseman

 

This is a pretty sure thing. He’s talented and riding the high of Black Panther. If Chadwick hasn’t hosted by the end of the next season I will be very surprised and disappointed. (Bad Lorne!)

Jack Black

 

The Jumanji sequel was freaking hilarious and Jack Black was a big part of that. Christmas needs a showman, and I think that he is up for it.

January

Rachel Bloom

 

Sometimes I need to sing, dance, and watch something crazy.

Jay Chandrasekhar

 

Super Troopers 2 is finally going to be coming out. Finally. It’s going to have a heck of a publicity tour, and that should include SNL.

Oscar Issac

 

Along with the comedic actors, writers, and stand ups, there is a place for the dramatic and charming. It’s all about balance.

February

Angela Bassett

 

One of the most talented actresses of our time, and she has never hosted before. Let’s fix this.

Idris Elba

 

For Valentines week, is there anyone better suited?

John Cho

 

I wish to throw Cho at as many things as possible. I love him in everything.

March

John Early

 

Young. Weird. Writer.

Marisa Tomei

 

She’s Aunt May and she deserved that Oscar.

Trevor Noah

 

Is there anything that he can’t do? I’m thinking not.

April

Lupita Nyong’o

 

Luminous talent that just keeps shining brighter.

Billy Eichner

 

Difficult People had a lot of well-deserved goes at SNL over two seasons. What would be more perfect than giving Billy a host slot after that?

Michelle Williams

 

Who would go to the movies just to see Michelle Williams? That would be me, bitches.

May

Mindy Kaling

 

The Mindy Project has ended, and I miss her. Mother’s Day episode.

Alia Shawkat

 

Has everyone seen Search Party yet?

Keanu Reeves

 

Will never give up on this. The last of the John Wick trilogy will be coming out soon and he needs to SNL when it does.

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The Geeky Girl Tag

I am definitely late to the game on this one. I saw this tag on Cateaclysmic and it looked so fun that I had to join in.  If you have not heard of this tag, please feel free to take the opportunity to make it your own.

Let’s get out some geeky basics and get to know each other:)

The Questions: 

1. What is your must-have tech gadget?

My Fire Tablet.

2. Which house do you belong to in Hogwarts?

None. Beauxbatons Academy of Magic is what comes up when I do Buzzfeed quizzes. I guess I could rock that hat.

3. Who is your favorite Doctor?

The more the merrier, really. I like all of them, and look forward to seeing a lady in the role. I kind of feel that she might become my favorite, so I want to hold off on an official answer here.

4. If you could have dinner with any fictional character, who would it be?

This is a difficult question because having a good time at a dinner table with someone that you have never met is a big ask.
Tiffany Haddish. She’s not a fictional character, but her stand up persona counts slightly and I am completely in love with all she is right now. If I could, I would add Tina Belcher and Leslie Knope. And Bumble the Abominable Snowman.

5. What is your gaming system of choice?

PC. It’s what I’ve always gamed on and it feels weird when I try to use a console.

6. If you had a super power, what would it be?

Invisibility. Sue Storm is one of the all time greats, and her powers have always made me the most envious.

7. What is your favorite fantasy world?

Ummmmm. Andalasia. It’s the musical fairy tale cartoon world from Enchanted, and living there would make me very happy. The LEGO movie universe is a close second.

8. If you could be any fictional race, what would you be?

Vulcan. Strength, smarts, and pointy ears.

9. Star Trek or Star Wars?

Star Trek. I love both, but Trek wins out because of its’ positive influence on generations of people. Hope is important and powerful.

10. List your top 5 geektastic movies or TV Series.

Ok, I narrowed it down to seven tv series and five movies in no particular order:
Jessica Jones
Agent Carter
Legion
Preacher
Ash Vs. The Evil Dead
Agents of SHIELD
The IT Crowd
Wonder Woman
Black Panther
Hidden Figures
Hot Fuzz
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

11. List your top 5 favorite video games.

Diablo 2
Minecraft
South Park: Stick of Truth
Sonic the Hedgehog
Portal 1&2
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