I wrote up a skit for a John Cho hosting of Saturday Night Live. I did this because I felt compelled, and it was fun.
He looks dapper as ever behind his “Personally Muddled / Certified Organic Fireworks” stand. It is not by the side of some small town road the fuck out of there. It is in the middle of a Fourth of July family festival, because his shit is homemade and full of heart. He is wearing a bowler hat, vest, and old timey mustache. It does not look weird on him, because he is John Cho.
Customer (Beck Bennett): I need ten of your most explosive big thing you got back there.
John Cho: Close your eyes.
Beck Bennett, who is kinda drunk and wearing one those tank tops for men with the realllly big armholes. Not for disparaging reasons, but because it’s the forth of July: Ok.
JC: Picture an inky black sky that feels like death and destruction but makes you want to cradle its beauty for the rest of your days. There is no one here. No one here but you and the sky and a love so pure that your body becomes weightless. What’s that sound?
Beck: Oh my god, what is it?
JC: It’s the stars. Millions and millions of burning lights that seek you out in the darkness. Pink from the east, butter yellow from the west, and specks of baby blue all over. Each one called to you. They swirl around you and explode in a tornado of love and beauty and light which purifies your soul like the first step of a new born fawn. Open your eyes, and go out into this world carrying this light with you forevermore.
Beck, crying: Thank you.
Kyle Mooney, trying to match Cho’s level of hipster perfection but failing: Hey, like, what do you think I should get? Like, what’s the freshest thing here?
JC: The closest to my heart is a peacock named Penelope. Her feathers are coated in Biodegradable glitter and when her tail fans out and up and a little over, it’s like the Northern Lights. Which is where we met.
Kate McKinnon as Penelope pops up: Squawk!
JC: Yeah, she does not like you and your whole vibe, so I need you to go away.
*Kyle sadwalks away*
JC: Yes. Soon, darling.
Cecily Strong and Heidi Gardner, girl nighting it hard: *speaking softly the whole time, like it’s a secret, but obviously stage whispers*
C&H: Hi. Hi. We have martinis. They are sooo good, and totally recommend (points to food truck). And this whole thing is like so nice. But. Can we have, um, sparklers to put in our glasses?
Heidi: You don’t have to!
Cecily: But it would just mean so much, because we’re such good friends. And I love America.
Heidi: It’s just kind of disappointing, because they were out of the cheese we like.
Either/Or: And we just want to feel special.
Cecily: So, if you could find it in your heart. To please sell us some sparklers to put into our drinks.
Heidi: That would be so amazing.
Cecily: AMAZING. Sorry.
JC: *Brings out glass of sticks, upon each is a very glowy glowworm.*
C&H both start to speak at normal volume: Ooohhh!
JC: What color?
JC: *Places chill glowworms into glasses.*
Heidi: What is it?
JC: Do not worry, these glowworms are very well trained and gentlemanly. They only wish to sparkle naturally and keep you company. Fabricated sparklers are environment killers and fire hazards to those gorgeous lady frocks. Let me introduce you to Gus and Van Sant.
Cecily: They have names?!
Heidi: I think mine just smiled at me. It gives me this feeling that I will never be judged or found lacking ever again.
Cecily: Well I think mine wants to marry me.
JC: I think you might be right, that was the dirtiest wink that I have ever seen. I apologize, would you like to switch glowworms? Neil is much less hot blooded.
Cecily: No. I like it. Here’s my phone. I have Apple Pay, take whatever you think is appropriate and I will send my friend back for it later.
Heidi: That’s me.
Melissa Villasenor: *Points* What’s that?
JC: Night Boomerang.
MV: Cool. What’s that?
JC: Bags full of luminous sand that you can pierce with any handy bow and arrow.
MV: Nice. What’s that?
JC: Jars of fireflys, each one trained to fly in the pattern shown in chalk onto charcoal paint as is the customary label.
MV: Sold. Can I get the Banjo Fireflys and two night boomerangs?
JC: It would be my greatest pleasure. Enjoy the night, strange one of good taste.
MV: Right back at you, Fire Butler.