*** So, so many spoilers
There were weddings and a loss of the mighty mustache. Sheriff Hoyle proposes to Honey for the first time. More here
Hoyle ups his proposing game under Honey’s window with a full mariachi band. Eli and Pearl have planned to leave soon on their honeymoon, but Eli loses the funds for the trip in a poker game. Why Eli thought gambling was a good idea is questioned by most of the town. Pearl finds out what has happened, and also realizes that Eli is not completely at fault. They have been bamboozled by a seemingly charming Deacon who soon has Hoyle eating out of his hand. Yeah, he might be a horrible and evil man, but he is so interesting! The Deacon shoots his way out of the saloon and kills Honey’s Cousin/Aunt in the process. This makes the ladies very upset, and they want swift hangy justice. Hoyle finds the bad man and puts him in the jail cell with a nice citizen infected with rabies. Apparently rabies makes you increasingly desirous of all things sexual as well as thirsty. In fact, Eli keeps looking better to the rabies man as he becomes worse. Meanwhile, Honey is stating her case for hanging the Deacon for killing her beloved caunt (cousin-aunt). “My caunt was precious, my caunt was beautiful.” Hoyle agrees that everyone loves Honey’s caunt. Eli has a plan to steal back the honeymoon money when he transports the Deacon to Dodge City. Pearl has a better plan of locking Eli up and taking the prisoner at gunpoint. No use in putting Eli’s job at risk. Unfortunately the Deacon, by this time, has also been infected with rabies. As the townsfolk begin crowding around him to hang him, he goes on a bite everyone rampage. Before he can succeed in this, Hoyle and Eli find and shoot him. And Hoyle throws a knife into him. The sheriff is very disappointed that the town has gone against law and order in favor of anarchy. “We have rules!”
“I like to win with my queen and my horsies.”
Once again we start with Hoyle declaring his love for Honey, this time at the train station. As they wave goodbye to Eli and Pearl leaving for Kansas City, a murder is committed. A man made unrecognizable by the train having run over him was pushed off of the platform. Hoyle investigates the body for clues, and his explaining gestures fling some intestinal goo at Honey. She does not appreciate this, but understands that Hoyle is excited to show her his process. Vernon Shank recognizes the tattoo from the body as a regular to his game nights. A doctor has come to town and set up shop next to Honey’s Saloon. He specializes in treating hysteria in women with his manipulator device. The treatment is even more effective when he prescribes a medical tincture to the women before their session. Hoyle’s investigation has him in Chinatown, where he runs into Wanda. She apparently likes to go there on her day off with her dog Kong. He is a protective puppy who only understands Chinese and can track down opium. By this time, Honey has been diagnosed with hysteria and goes through the treatment process. As she leaves, there is a waiting line outside. One of the murder victims’ associates explains that they are part of a group that intercepts shipments of opium to destroy them. They have seen what it does to their people, and do what they can to keep it from being distributed. There is a missing store of opium, so Wanda and Hoyle take Kong hunting for it. The man from Chinatown follows and burns the opium in a pit next to where he ties them up. The smoke gives them visions, and Hoyle realizes that the doctor was the murderer who then used the opium in his tinctures. Dr. Hang is arrested, and the whores take possession of the manipulator.
A grasshopper plague has come to the town of Great Bend. Eli’s uncle was filled and killed by them on his farm. Eli then inherits the debt ridden place, and Pearl is slightly horrified at the notion of becoming a farmer’s wife. Sheriff Hoyle keeps getting shot at for unclear reasons, but his reflexes doom the people next to him when the bullets do not find their intended target. Honey will not allow Hoyle in the saloon for fear that one of her customers will get killed. Eli and Hoyle deliver baby pigs at the farm as Honey tries to cheer Pearl up on the porch. Eli wants Pearl to quit whoring, but Pearl knows that it is the only thing that is paying down the debt on the farm. Their marriage has started the course to a carefully executed web of lies that in Honey’s experience makes it a real one. Hoyle becomes surrounded by bounty hunters who end up taking each other out in an attempt to be the one to collect the bounty. Eli finds Pearl and Frank James in bed together at the saloon. It turns out that Cole Younger had asked Frank to hire the men to take out Hoyle. The town has just gotten too respectable and safe since he became sheriff. Frank calls off the bounty when Pearl says that she will never have sex with him again otherwise. Then there is a grasshopper plague that wipes out the farm.
“No one knows why women do the things they do.”
Pearl’s brother Edwin comes to visit, and dazzles the ladies of the saloon with his card tricks. Wendy finds him more pleasant than Pearl, and competes with Lavinia to buy him a drink. Hoyle is excited to learn that he has a step-son, and vise versa for Edwin. Honey reminds Pearl that there is a team of miners waiting for her upstairs, but Pearl is adamant about taking a break to spend time with her brother. It is a workplace, however, and Honey requires two weeks notice for any leave. Pearl storms off with Edwin, and Wanda takes on the miners with a case of back door trots. Rumbley.
Hoyle makes an effort to help everyone get along again with a family picnic. He passes around deviled eggs, and when things continue to be tense, offers cookies with hemp in them. Unfortunately things escalate before the peace cookies can be eaten, and Honey fires Pearl. Edwin comes to the rescue and opens a saloon with Pearl across the street from Honey’s. On their opening day, Livina and Wanda come to work there after Honey fires them in a how dare you do this rage. They do impressions of Honey and it is spot on and awesome. Over at Honey’s bar, happy hour only consists of Hoyle being supportive. He orders ten whiskeys and tells her that she is too good of a businesswoman to fail. Honey reveals there is something that she has been working on that might be an idea for the bar. Cut to Honey giving Hoyle the first erotic dance complete with strip pole in the west. This scene is totally and completely awesome. The actress is actually a burlesque dancer as well as an improv talent. I mean, just one of those things would scare me to death to attempt, but she does both with ease and badassness. She is my hero. Honey checks with Hoyle to get feedback on her dance, but he is mostly concerned about there not being enough support for her back. He still thinks it was hot, but Honey takes him being able to think during her routine as an insult. I do not blame her for kicking him out. Edwin starts to sell shares in his bar, which makes Pearl and Hoyle suspect he might be running a scam. However, he was using that as a distraction. While the people are discussing the scheme, he ties Honey up in her empty bar and chops into the Wells Fargo office from behind her bar. There is a store of money there overnight as it is transported. Hoyle catches Edwin as he tries to make a getaway. To escape, Edwin shoots Hoyle’s horse, Strawberry Shortcake. Honey and Pearl smack Edwin around after Hoyle of course catches him again. The ladies make up and then go back to Honey’s bar and 50 miners.
Roundup time! Eli is getting help from Hoyle and Vernon to move his cattle and sell them at the Roundup in Nicodemus. They mostly chat about Eli’s thighs and how hungry they are, so admittedly are not the best helpers in this situation. If Eli gets a good price for his herd, he can pay part of his debt, which will please Pearl. As they come into the town, the sweet lady duo are talking about how they hate what the rodeo stands for, as well as how horribly the animals get treated. The ladies see Eli and get all aflutter. “I know that ride.” Vernon is introduced to the duo, and he proceeds to announce that he is a single man. This is embarrassing for everyone. Bailey, who was a murder suspect in the first season, is now the mayor and is responsible for Nicodemus holding the Roundup. The sheriff of the town is visiting his daughter while she is giving birth, so Bailey is in charge. The guys learn that they have missed the auction part of the event, and there is only the rodeo to go. A prominent local businessman, Cobb, makes a deal to buy the cattle at above value if Eli wins the Bronco riding event. However, if he loses, Cobb gets the cattle for free. Hoyle accepts this on top of Eli’s protests, since he is aware of how mighty Eli’s thighs are. To assist him, Hoyle and Vernon dress as rodeo clowns to help distract the bronco as needed. The lady duo come to watch and comment on how they disapprove of everything. They are also vegetarians, so do not offer these ladies anything that used to have a face. Their words.
When it becomes Eli’s turn, Hoyle and Vernon try to motivate him. Vernon promises that if Eli ends up dead, he will give him a king’s burial and of course look after Pearl. He makes it through his turn, and is in first place with only one rider to go. The mayor, who is also a champion rider, takes the last turn. “Maybe Pearl won’t leave you.” During his bronco ride, the mayor’s saddle snaps, flinging him to the ground where he is trampled and killed. Hoyle investigates the saddle, and announces that he is not just Flip Flop the clown. He is the sheriff of Great Bend, and in his younger days worked as a nose for a perfumery. He detects a cologne on the break in the saddle strap, and proceeds to smell the crowd for a match. The animal loving sweet ladies are wearing the scent! Hoyle separates them and starts the process of interrogation. “Is this supposed to be annoying?” He ends up vividly describing the eating of animals, which freaks out the girls enough to confess they had only meant to teach the mayor a lesson. “You taught him the lesson of dead!” Eli gets the money, and can now pay his debt. The ladies are transported to Great Bend since the sheriff is not there at the moment. They really can not see how they are cast as villains in all of this, cause they are not bad people.
Vernon Shank is running for mayor! The current one is quite corrupt and of course has been in office for eight terms. The problem is that Vernon is an absolutely horrible speaker at the debate. He keeps needing guidance from his cousin/campaign manager, but it does not do him much good. The mayor is very good at his political talk and gets the whole room on his since fairly easily. Just because Vernon lost the debate, does not mean it will go in the newspapers. Tidwell is fond of Vernon so as newspaper editor, he publishes that Shank won. He believes that the newspapers are there to tell people what to think.They discuss how it is a shame that basically all the school age kids are dead from smallpox, drowning, and badger bites. At the jail, the so called sweet lady duo are refusing the meat meal that Pearl has made for them. They request to be sent back to Nicodemus, and Eli tries to tell them that they will be fine here as there are reforms on the way. The ladies have heard that bull before however, and are not buying it. They do like that Vernon is a Republican though. “Black people will always vote Republican.” Photos come to light that doom Vernon’s campaign. In them he is having tea parties etc. with the dead bodies in his care as undertaker. This doom lifts when the mayor wakes up with the stabbed body of Vernon’s cousin in his bed. Hoyle looks at the scene and believes that there has been a frame. The mayor is startled to find out that the ladies he is now in jail with can vote against him in the election. Eli is quite knowledgeable on the subject since Hoyle has been teaching him to read from the city charter. He makes a deal to pardon them if they vote for him instead. At the funeral, Earl and Vernon cry a lot and Tidwell is excited that Vernon will win the election. Hoyle is ready to deliver his conclusions from his investigation. Tidwell moved the body, but did not kill her! The mayor killed her! Hoyle knows cause he read her very explicit and full of explanations diary. As they realize Hoyle will probably arrest them, Tidwell and the mayor flee. They do not get very far, and Hoyle just shoots at them to show that he can get to them in their hidey spot so they should just come out and surrender. As they wait for the suspects to come to their senses, Hoyle and Eli talk about possible baby names etc. After everything that the mayor has done, Vernon still loses the election.
Sheriff Hoyle and Eli are once again tracking down Cole Younger when they come upon a mass killing. The dead bodies did not have a pleasant end, it was a nasty icky one. Ephraim Younger is found tied and feathered to a tree, the only one left alive. Sam Star was the perpetrator of this scene, and Ephraim insists that Cole is a gentle breeze next to Sam. Hoyle goes looking for Cole since he had escaped from Sam’s vengeance. A whole lot of law ends up at Lavina’s house. She insists that she does not know where he is, but Hoyle finds a receipt for a size 14 dress. He concludes that Cole must be on his way to San Francisky in a dress. This of course leads to Hoyle jumping on a moving stagecoach. Lavina and Ephraim are not bonding well in jail. Cole and Hoyle end up fighting on top of the coach as Eli rides alongside. Ephraim helps Lavina realize that she is not cursed, it is Cole that is her curse. She is very impressed with his sudden thinking abilities. Cole goes flying off the coach, landing and becomes impaled on a fencepost. With Cole stuck, Hoyle is able to recognize him as the man he shot the nose off of in the civil war. He was not as good of a shot back then. Lavina and Ephraim transition from arm wrestling to sex. It happens. She is not happy when she learns that he had been the informant for Hoyle. Ephraim does not appreciate Hoyle telling his new fiance things that will get him in trouble.
Great Bend has become a pretty awesome place, complete with homemade lemon sasperilla soda. I need to find or make that! Hoyle sees a vision of his dead wife Myra, and faints. Honey takes care of him, and he asks her to marry him for the last time. This turns into a fairly sweet moment. Myra appears at Hoyle’s window, and he faints again. The dead wife turns out to be not so dead. They share memories of the gingersnap incident. In Myra’s Hoyle has a fit and demands his gingersnaps. Hoyle remembers her sarcastically wanting to get his gingersnaps and ordering him to stay there. She runs into a neighbor who is also going to the store, and ends up going for the both of them. Myra sees Cole Younger kill the neighbor, and she decides to go into hiding. The reunited husband and wife make out as Honey walks in the door. It is a timely awkwardness. There is a picnic to welcome Myra/Belle Star to the town. Wanda gets the backdoor trots a lot. Honey and Pearl are skeptical about her intentions in coming back. Cole is slowly healing in the jail, but the discharge does not look good. Belle insults Honey, and so she gets told off and then they segue-way into a knife fight. “He got touched a lot by this whore!” Hoyle breaks up the fight. Honey apologizes to Hoyle when he comes to visit her. Belle does not want Hoyle to continue his eight o’clock fornications or anything else with her. Hoyle and Belle consult with Tidwell to check if they are still legally married, which they are. Honey assigns Wanda to follow Belle and see if she does anything suspicious. During the visit with Tidwell, Pearl and then Eli join Hoyle and Belle. It turns into a therapy session, and Tidwell declares that their dysfunction makes them a real family. Vernon keeps interrupting Honey and Wanda as they plan, and does not learn from their increasing hostility towards him. The girls end up going to Hoyle’s to find the diary Belle has been writing in. Wanda tries to play with Tinkerbell, and the hamster gets hissy. Honey finds the diary as Hoyle and Belle walk in. Wanda drinks while they fight. Honey reads the diary aloud, but just ends up making her look good since she has written sweet things. Belle meets up with Sam Star with a map that dooms the town. There is evil laughter.
Belle informs Sam Star that the only real opposition to them killing the town is Sheriff Hoyle. Honey overhears their conversation, and goes to warn Hoyle. Honey jumps Belle, and there is a part of Hoyle that wants to let it happen. Giving out the map was part of a double end around plan. Hoyle holds a town meeting in the saloon. Wanda plays mood music in the background as he lays out his plan. The townsfolk end up wanting to just move somewhere else, but Hoyle inspires them to stay and fight.
“We’re going to bend over this time, but we are going to have a gun in our ass!” Hoyle enlists Tidwell and Vernon to help, the rest are to stay safe in the saloon. As they look at the plan in more detail, they name the map with their positions the suicide map. They have excellent survival instincts though. Cole is feeling much better since he has been nursed through his impalement. Belle explains to Cole how much better in bed Hoyle is than Cole. Butterfly kisses! Ephraim comes into the jail to talk to Hoyle, and in so doing gives himself away to Cole. He now knows who has betrayed him, so Ephraim is understandably nervous. Cole observes that it would be best for the survival of the town if Hoyle lets him out of jail and arms him against Sam Star. Showdown time, with a pause for effect. Pearl gets emotional about having all of her father figures in one place. Belle laughs at Eli trying to think and plan out a future with Pearl. Secrets! The fighting starts with molotov cocktails and Vernon’s doll collection being set on fire. Cole and Hoyle are actually very impressive as a team against the entire marauding gang. As it comes down to the now lone Sam, he takes Vernon hostage. Sam gets shot down, and then Cole tries to shoot Hoyle in the back. Belle comes up behind him and kills Cole. She had this all planned out, relying on all the men in her life to take each other out. Pearl leaves with Belle, tired of being stifled in the town. Honey has had it with Hoyle, so the men all go off together.