My Favorite Thanksgiving Movies and TV Selections

There are a vast number of Christmas movies out there, but Thanksgiving does not tend to get the same amount of attention. I actually wanted to do a top ten list, but ended up having to change to top five because a top ten would have basically been all of them. This would be more sad if there were no truly awesome Thanksgiving films, but this is not the case. There is an amazing amount of holiday spirit and epic moments in these selections, so let’s give them some love:)

My Favorite Thanksgiving Movies:

It is my opinion that grumpy old men are the cutest things in this world, so I can not help but adore this movie the most. I mean, Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau in a battle of wits lasting decades which finally blows up past the point of no return when Ann Margret moves into the neighborhood and bewitches them both? So cute!
Everyone knows this one, and with good reason. Steve Martin and John Candy, an accidental road trip, setbacks around every turn, and of course reluctant friendship. All that ’tis the season.
This is one not very well known, but that does not stop it from being a Thanksgiving classic! A young Robert Downey Jr. joins Holly Hunter, Anne Bancroft, and Claire Danes as members of a refreshingly real family dealing with the struggle of enduring a happy turkey day.
Wednesday Addams was totally my spirit animal as I was growing up. The scene where she takes down the Thanksgiving play just puts me in the holiday mood.
Yes, it is a Pauly Shore movie, but one that is actually good and incredibly sweet.

My Favorite Thanksgiving Television:

3rd Rock From the Sun
Bob’s Burgers
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Mike & Molly
Parks and Recreation
Saturday Night Live
South Park

Marry Me vs. Manhattan Love Story

There have been a number of so-called Romantic-Comedy television series scattered across the networks this season. As I sampled Manhattan Love Story, A to Z, Selfie, and Marry Me it became clear which ones felt well done and which felt like producers threw darts at a wall of things they think women like and then forced them together to create a Frankenstein monster of a show. The two that illustrate these two sides best to me are Marry Me and Manhattan Love Story.

Marry Me:

This show is so good in every way, and is what happens when a real life couple with writing talent and charisma make a show together. David Caspe and Casey Wilson were also the driving force behind Happy Endings, and they bring their talents full force all over Marry Me.
Annie and Jake have been dating for six years, and after a lovely Mexican vacation where she keeps waiting for him to finally propose, she snaps when they get home. However, it turns out that Jake was literally trying to propose to her on bended knee at the moment she explodes into her well deserved tirade, and she would have known if she had turned around instead of frantically searching for some Skinny Girl wine. This creates a bit of an awkward situation, especially since family and friends are in the next room for the surprise proposal. As the episode goes on, you get to see how right these two are together, and how strong their connection is. It is an honest and hilarious portrayal of the realities of being in a relationship. A huge reason for this working so well is that it is based on the real relationship of David and Casey, who are brave enough to put it out there, in all its’ majestic glory. Well done guys!

Verdict: Winner

Manhattan Love Story:

The hearing what the sexes are thinking thing would work better if I cared at all about these people. She wants purses to the point of almost humping each one that she sees on the street. He, of course, wants to have sex with all of the women that walk anywhere near him as the two leads pass each other in the same area of Manhattan. This is not a good start, and the pilot continues on in the same direction until I want to smash its’ fake ridiculous face with something.
There is nothing that redeems this show; no character that is funny, or real, or a well thought out representation of an actual person. This is everything that is wrong in the genre of romantic comedy. A needy, pushover, naive, will do anything you want for a slight hint of approval girl. She has an apparent need to get a cat, hiccups when she cries, and worst of all sees this guy as a romantic prospect. Sweetheart, you may be a lazy caricature of a woman, but you deserve better than this guy. He is an ass. Just because a guy has a goofy amount of stubble and is forced to say he is sorry to you does not stop him from being an ass. No. Big no thank you on this one.

Verdict: Loser

Exploring the Nerve Endings of My Funny Bone

As a modern lady, I face certain widely differing expectations regarding every aspect of my life. If I paid much attention to this anymore, I would always feel either too girly or not girly enough at all times. This is no way to live a full life, so I have pulled the plug and now simply endeavor to try to be honest with myself about what I actually enjoy, and what I want. Expectations be damned.

Humor is something so universal, yet men and women seem to have their own separate groups that they are meant to enjoy. Actually, men are supposed to watch comedy, and women have had a “women’s comedy” genre made for them. Why the separation? Why not have everything together, and just label the different brands of comedy? Family, Relationship, Sex, Parents, Men ( comedians of both genders talk about the sexes ), Women, Gross, Politics, Religion, The World, etc. There are Women comedians, and then there are Women’s Issues and Experiences comedians. These are different things, because a great deal of female comics talk mainly about the human experience, not just the solely woman’s perspective. In fact, a female comedian that only talks about dating men, waxing, and other various lady activities usually comes across as annoying to us. This actually makes me admire the very few that can take this brand of comedy and bring something fresh and honest to it, and basically do not end up coming off like a frivolous ditz. The rest of the lady comedians I admire because they take on the whole of life, and they grab it by the balls just as thoroughly and hilariously as a man. Here I lay out my top ten Stand-ups, Comedy Movies, and Comedy TV Shows. They encompass both genders, and they define my sense of what is funny. Not as a lady, but as a person who happens to be female.

Favorite Stand ups:

1. Patton Oswalt

patton_oswaltBrands of Comedy: Star Wars, Geek Life, Depression, Bit of Drugs, Sex, Growing Up, Marriage, Kids

2. Louie C.K.

Louis-ckBeing a Father, Marriage, Divorce, Kids, Sex, Food, Women, Idiots, Money

3. Dylan Moran

0910_dylan_h_208595tVery Irish, Matter of Fact, Family, Alcohol, Kids, Cake, Love, State of the World

4. Eddie Izzard

eddieizzard_1509403c
British, Executive Transvestite, Politics, History, Life, Religion, Star Wars

  5. Garfunkel and Oates

BN-EC794_oates_G_20140814161302Relationships, Sex, Work, Honest Observations of Life, Idiots, Funny Gorgeous Songs

6. Michael Ian Black

michael-ian-black-11-29-2011-5Well Phrased Structure, Frankenstein, Airplanes, Marriage, Kids, Lightweight Reactions to Alcohol, Friendly Sarcasm, Life, Being a Non-Traditional Man

7. Chelsea Handler

1350326674_chelsea-handler-290  Having a Vagina, Men, Alcohol, Traveling, Friends, Loyalty, Life, Dealing with Embarrassing Situations, Chunk, Owning her Experiences

8. John Mulaney

mulaney-picMatter of Fact, Being a Man-child, Law and Order, Impressions, Life, Friends, Growing Up, Relationships

9. Iliza Schlesinger

Iliza_small  Dealing with Girls as Friends, Dating, Sex, Going Out, Men, Snarky Observations of Life, Honest

 10. Aziz Ansari

azizansari2Geek Life, Reality of his Fame, Kanye West, Family, Women, Grand Showman

Favorite Comedy Movies:

1. The Heat

the-heat-1 A Lady Cop Meets a Lady FBI Agent and Becomes My Favorite Cop Buddy Movie Ever, Shit Happens That’s Why You Need a Partner That Has Your Back, Dealing With Bosses, Taking Down Criminals, Paperwork, Alcohol, Family

2. Hot Fuzz

hot-fuzzThe Middle of the British Cornetto Trilogy, Police Movie Satire, Friendship, Small Town Life, Puns and Wordplay, Deadpan

3. Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Monty-Python-Holy-GrailMiddle Ages Humor, Superstitions, Politics, People from Other Lands, Magic, King Arthur Legend, Archeology, British

4. Megamind

Megamind-movie-image-12The Ultimate in Taking on the Superhero and Villain Tropes, Satire, Growing Up, Dating, Expectations, Friendship

5. Kung Fu Hustle

kung-fu-hustle-6Stephen Chow Does Buster Keaton and it is Amazing, Kung-Fu Humor That is Actually Funny

6. Super Troopers

2801885-supertroopersCanadian Humor, Broken Lizard at Their Best, The Group of Offbeat but Good Guys Overcome the Assholes

7. Young Frankenstein

1297635399Marty Feldman, Cloris Leachman, Gene Wilder, Madeline Kahn, and Mel Brooks Play with the Frankenstein Tale, Satire, Family Issues, Workplace Issues, Dealing with the Local Government, Marriage

8. Horrible Bosses

horrible _bosses01Workplace Horrors, Realities of the Current Economic Environment, What Happens When Three Guys Try to Regain Control of Their Lives and Things Do Not Go According to Plan

9. Cold Comfort Farm

Flora and SethVery British, Based on Novel of the Same Name That Made Fun of the Many “Dark and Moody” Novels Popular in the 1930s, Satire, A Balm for People Tired of Downton Abbey

10. Ghost Town

GHOST TOWNBritish, Dry, Some Romantic Comedy Elements, Anti-Social Dentist Kinda Sorta Dies and Then is Forced to Live an Actual Life

Favorite Comedy TV Shows:

1. Bob’s Burgers

Bobs-burgers-seaplaneLoren Bouchard is The Man!, Animated Family Comedy, Perfect Cast, Hilarious and Well Done Songs, Owning a Small Business, Marriage

2. Archer

maxresdefaultWorkplace Comedy First, Then Spy Comedy, Family Issues, A Sprinkling of Mad Men Moral Satire, Dating, Crazy Rich People, Politics, Sex

3. South Park

s18e03_480Still Going Strong, South Park; Puts Life into Perspective by Laughing at the Ridiculousness of it

4. Red Dwarf

Red DwarfLost in Deep Space Comedy, British, Last Man in the Known Universe and his Driven to the Brink of Madness Ship Computer, Evolved Cat, and Smeghead Hologram “Friend”

5. The Penguins of Madagascar

tumblr_m79nqsoRxX1rx0k2do1_500Technically a Children’s Show but There is More to it for Adults to Enjoy as Well, Superspy Satire Done With Penguins, Genius!

6. The Ricky Gervais Show

rickygervais04-660Animation of Podcasts with Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington; More British Humor, Clash of Minds but in a Funny Way

7. Parks and Recreation

rs_500x250-140109091101-tumblr_mxodppKVSk1syeot2o1_500Government Red Tape, Politics, Being a Female With Aspirations and Ideals, Friendship, Many Workplace Issues, Relationships, Marriage, Making Your Way Through Life

8. The Venture Brothers

GgV5zolSatire of Johnny Quest and Super Science, Family, Being a Complete Failure, Gorgeous Animation of Ridiculous and Fabulous Things, A 60s Style Cartoon With a Naughty Bite

9. Black Books

largeIrishman Who Hates People Opens a Bookshop, Dylan Moran is the Best, Alcohol, Yelling at Customers, Reading, Wanting to Stay in Your Comfortable Corner of Life and Not Be Bothered

10. Brooklyn Nine-Nine

B99.2shot.vert.A.JPGAndy Samberg Does Cop Comedy, The Captain ( Andre ) is Pure Deadpan Humor, Terry Crews is Hilarious in All That He Does, The Cast Gels and Works Off Each Other Crazy Well From the First Episode

One More Halloween Movie List: My Top 30 Favorites for the Season

The only reason I am making this when there are already so many Halloween movie lists out there, is that a number of my particular favorites have been left out in the spooky scary cold. As someone who loves Halloween and pretty much all that comes with it, I have to make that right. Plus, as someone with a blog, it feels obligatory at this time of year.

1. Young Frankenstein

The absolute top of the Halloween movie food chain, the champion of snarky perfectly timed dialog interspersed with gags. A doctor complete with his faithful Igor who just wish to figure out the very nature of life, and how to slightly tame it.

2. Cabin in the Woods 

Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard take all of the usual horror tropes, and remake them into something so much more interesting and fresh. Deceptively simple setup, same old characters yet with more aspects to them, and then the funk goes down and smashes everything all to heck. Never mess with anything in an unfamiliar basement, and always take your smart pot smoking friend with you.

3. Arsenic and Old Lace

One of my first Halloween movie loves. This movie has everything: grannies in doilies giving arsenic to anything that smacks of alone and decrepit; your brother with a new face trying to kill your fiance; watch out it’s Theodore Roosevelt, he is living upstairs and periodically charges down the bannister; and you will just love the Lorre Kitty. He has big eyes, thinks he is a doctor, and his paws either hold a flask or a scalpel at all times!

4. The Nightmare Before Christmas

A glorious fable that has never met its’ match. Corpse Bride tried, but did not even come close.

5. The Lost Boys

The Frog brothers are the ultimate in heroes. They help save the creepiest town in America from 80’s era vampires along with an awesome soundtrack.

6. Cursed

This is a Wes Craven project that is the pinnacle of werewolf movies. There are nods to classic horror films throughout, especially The Lost Boys. It blends campy, creepy, and a lot of badassness.

7. Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Were Rabbit

Nick Park’s Wallace and Gromit series has been a favorite with me for a long time. In 2005, the claymation characters took on a feature length adventure with a warerabbit. Cutest and most British Halloween movie ever! How can this foe be vanquished? With a bullet: a bullet made of 24 carrot gold. This is an example of one of the gems that makes me happy every time I see this movie.

8. Evil Dead Trilogy

Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi forever changed the horror genre with their Evil Dead movies. I have not seen the remake, and I do not know if I can ever bring myself to.

9. Shaun of the Dead

Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg, and Nick Frost bring it with the first of their Cornetto Trilogy. Zombies in your garden? No problem for the guys with a record collection and a tool shed.

10. Sleepy Hollow

Icabod Crane was remade into a detective way ahead of his time. This movie is a mystery inside of a creepy fable inside of a love story. Christopher Walken makes the ultimate headless horseman, with scary morals, no control, and an attraction to evil women.

11. Lake Placid

There is a monster in the lake, and Betty White keeps feeding it!

12. Tremors

Yes, they are small town people, but that does not mean that prehistoric worm creatures should start eating all of them. It also does not mean that they can not defend themselves with clever folksy wisdom.

13. House (1986)

This movie is bananas. It is a nightmare gone to the campy fun yet dark side.

14. Fright Night (both versions)

I admit to only watching the remake to see David Tennant as Peter Vincent, yet was surprised about how good it was. Perfect cast, does not take itself too seriously, and is more of a tribute to the original than a shot for shot remake.

15. Poltergeist

Have the effects aged? Okay, yes, but it does not make the story any less keenly felt.

16. Red Eye 

How can I not love a movie that begins like a setup for a romantic comedy, then turns into a psychological horror thriller. Plus Brian Cox is in it.

17. Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Joss Whedon wrote this film before he was the name with pull that he is today. According to him, the studio kept interfering with his vision, making it lighter and taking out dialog. If you erase Whedon speak, there is a special place in hell for you, cause that man can write. I did not know this when I saw it growing up and fell in love with it. This was my first even semi Whedon experience, and when the tv series started on WB, I was all over it. Paul Reubens’ death scene kills me:)

18. Shadow of the Vampire

Willem Dafoe as Max Schreck in Nosferatu, who is actually a real vampire, O.M.G. He suits this role incredibly well, so well that Willem might just be a vampire in real life.

19. From Dusk Till Dawn

Quentin Tarantino horror flick, very cool, with the expected body count.

20. Phantoms

Ben Affleck was the bomb in Phantoms, yo!

21. Ghost Ship

Gabriel Byrne and a haunted evil ship with the most misleading title sequence ever. Love it.
Mike Myers and his delightful Canadian sense of humor. This is a great romantic Halloween movie with a villain that remains scary, for all the films’ light moments.

23. Fearless Vampire Killers

One of Roman Polanski’s first films was a comedic take on the Van Helsing and Dracula story. This is another one that I have grown up watching, and I admit it is a bit off kilter and very sixties in the best way.

24. Practical Magic

The witch movie done right. Dashes of romance, tragedy, and midnight margaritas that never veers into soap opera territory.

25. The Watch

Richard Ayoade is the lead, in my opinion, of this ensemble sci-fi horror comedy. Okay, this is only slightly technically a horror film, but I am still counting it. The critics apparently did not see what I did about this movie, because they panned it. Boooo!

26. The Faculty

Robert Rodriguez does horror again the year after From Dusk Till Dawn. This one is set in a high school where Jon Stewart is the science teacher. Really, the film is worth watching just to see Stewart sporting a goatee and being evil.

27. The 13th Warrior

Why hello, Viking horror movie with an Omar Sharif appearance. Why yes, thank you, I will watch the heck out of that.

28. Constantine

Considering that Keanu Reeves seems maybe not the right choice for the blond British punk Constantine of the Hellblazer comics, the movie turned out damn well. Gavin Rossdale does so well as a demon, who knew? Glycerine!

29. Scream

My first Wes Craven now has recognition as a classic. This is one that deserved the hype and popularity, to the point of mania, it received.

30. Pitch Black 

This is basically the Mad Max of sci-fi horror from Australian cinema.

Quick Draw Season Two

*** So, so many spoilers
Episode One:
There were weddings and a loss of the mighty mustache. Sheriff Hoyle proposes to Honey for the first time. More here.
Episode Two:
Hoyle ups his proposing game under Honey’s window with a full mariachi band. Eli and Pearl have planned to leave soon on their honeymoon, but Eli loses the funds for the trip in a poker game. Why Eli thought gambling was a good idea is questioned by most of the town. Pearl finds out what has happened, and also realizes that Eli is not completely at fault. They have been bamboozled by a seemingly charming Deacon who soon has Hoyle eating out of his hand. Yeah, he might be a horrible and evil man, but he is so interesting! The Deacon shoots his way out of the saloon and kills Honey’s Cousin/Aunt in the process. This makes the ladies very upset, and they want swift hangy justice. Hoyle finds the bad man and puts him in the jail cell with a nice citizen infected with rabies. Apparently rabies makes you increasingly desirous of all things sexual as well as thirsty. In fact, Eli keeps looking better to the rabies man as he becomes worse. Meanwhile, Honey is stating her case for hanging the Deacon for killing her beloved caunt (cousin-aunt). “My caunt was precious, my caunt was beautiful.” Hoyle agrees that everyone loves Honey’s caunt. Eli has a plan to steal back the honeymoon money when he transports the Deacon to Dodge City. Pearl has a better plan of locking Eli up and taking the prisoner at gunpoint. No use in putting Eli’s job at risk. Unfortunately the Deacon, by this time, has also been infected with rabies. As the townsfolk begin crowding around him to hang him, he goes on a bite everyone rampage. Before he can succeed in this, Hoyle and Eli find and shoot him. And Hoyle throws a knife into him. The sheriff is very disappointed that the town has gone against law and order in favor of anarchy. “We have rules!”
“I like to win with my queen and my horsies.”
Episode Three:
Once again we start with Hoyle declaring his love for Honey, this time at the train station. As they wave goodbye to Eli and Pearl leaving for Kansas City, a murder is committed. A man made unrecognizable by the train having run over him was pushed off of the platform. Hoyle investigates the body for clues, and his explaining gestures fling some intestinal goo at Honey. She does not appreciate this, but understands that Hoyle is excited to show her his process. Vernon Shank recognizes the tattoo from the body as a regular to his game nights. A doctor has come to town and set up shop next to Honey’s Saloon. He specializes in treating hysteria in women with his manipulator device. The treatment is even more effective when he prescribes a medical tincture to the women before their session. Hoyle’s investigation has him in Chinatown, where he runs into Wanda. She apparently likes to go there on her day off with her dog Kong. He is a protective puppy who only understands Chinese and can track down opium. By this time, Honey has been diagnosed with hysteria and goes through the treatment process. As she leaves, there is a waiting line outside. One of the murder victims’ associates explains that they are part of a group that intercepts shipments of opium to destroy them. They have seen what it does to their people, and do what they can to keep it from being distributed. There is a missing store of opium, so Wanda and Hoyle take Kong hunting for it. The man from Chinatown follows and burns the opium in a pit next to where he ties them up. The smoke gives them visions, and Hoyle realizes that the doctor was the murderer who then used the opium in his tinctures. Dr. Hang is arrested, and the whores take possession of the manipulator.
Episode Four:
A grasshopper plague has come to the town of Great Bend. Eli’s uncle was filled and killed by them on his farm. Eli then inherits the debt ridden place, and Pearl is slightly horrified at the notion of becoming a farmer’s wife. Sheriff Hoyle keeps getting shot at for unclear reasons, but his reflexes doom the people next to him when the bullets do not find their intended target. Honey will not allow Hoyle in the saloon for fear that one of her customers will get killed. Eli and Hoyle deliver baby pigs at the farm as Honey tries to cheer Pearl up on the porch. Eli wants Pearl to quit whoring, but Pearl knows that it is the only thing that is paying down the debt on the farm. Their marriage has started the course to a carefully executed web of lies that in Honey’s experience makes it a real one. Hoyle becomes surrounded by bounty hunters who end up taking each other out in an attempt to be the one to collect the bounty. Eli finds Pearl and Frank James in bed together at the saloon. It turns out that Cole Younger had asked Frank to hire the men to take out Hoyle. The town has just gotten too respectable and safe since he became sheriff. Frank calls off the bounty when Pearl says that she will never have sex with him again otherwise. Then there is a grasshopper plague that wipes out the farm.
“No one knows why women do the things they do.”
Episode Five:
Pearl’s brother Edwin comes to visit, and dazzles the ladies of the saloon with his card tricks. Wendy finds him more pleasant than Pearl, and competes with Lavinia to buy him a drink. Hoyle is excited to learn that he has a step-son, and vise versa for Edwin. Honey reminds Pearl that there is a team of miners waiting for her upstairs, but Pearl is adamant about taking a break to spend time with her brother. It is a workplace, however, and Honey requires two weeks notice for any leave. Pearl storms off with Edwin, and Wanda takes on the miners with a case of back door trots. Rumbley.
Hoyle makes an effort to help everyone get along again with a family picnic. He passes around deviled eggs, and when things continue to be tense, offers cookies with hemp in them. Unfortunately things escalate before the peace cookies can be eaten, and Honey fires Pearl. Edwin comes to the rescue and opens a saloon with Pearl across the street from Honey’s. On their opening day, Livina and Wanda come to work there after Honey fires them in a how dare you do this rage. They do impressions of Honey and it is spot on and awesome. Over at Honey’s bar, happy hour only consists of Hoyle being supportive. He orders ten whiskeys and tells her that she is too good of a businesswoman to fail. Honey reveals there is something that she has been working on that might be an idea for the bar. Cut to Honey giving Hoyle the first erotic dance complete with strip pole in the west. This scene is totally and completely awesome. The actress is actually a burlesque dancer as well as an improv talent. I mean, just one of those things would scare me to death to attempt, but she does both with ease and badassness. She is my hero. Honey checks with Hoyle to get feedback on her dance, but he is mostly concerned about there not being enough support for her back. He still thinks it was hot, but Honey takes him being able to think during her routine as an insult. I do not blame her for kicking him out. Edwin starts to sell shares in his bar, which makes Pearl and Hoyle suspect he might be running a scam. However, he was using that as a distraction. While the people are discussing the scheme, he ties Honey up in her empty bar and chops into the Wells Fargo office from behind her bar. There is a store of money there overnight as it is transported. Hoyle catches Edwin as he tries to make a getaway. To escape, Edwin shoots Hoyle’s horse, Strawberry Shortcake. Honey and Pearl smack Edwin around after Hoyle of course catches him again. The ladies make up and then go back to Honey’s bar and 50 miners.
Episode Six:
Roundup time! Eli is getting help from Hoyle and Vernon to move his cattle and sell them at the Roundup in Nicodemus. They mostly chat about Eli’s thighs and how hungry they are, so admittedly are not the best helpers in this situation. If Eli gets a good price for his herd, he can pay part of his debt, which will please Pearl. As they come into the town, the sweet lady duo are talking about how they hate what the rodeo stands for, as well as how horribly the animals get treated. The ladies see Eli and get all aflutter. “I know that ride.” Vernon is introduced to the duo, and he proceeds to announce that he is a single man. This is embarrassing for everyone. Bailey, who was a murder suspect in the first season, is now the mayor and is responsible for Nicodemus holding the Roundup. The sheriff of the town is visiting his daughter while she is giving birth, so Bailey is in charge. The guys learn that they have missed the auction part of the event, and there is only the rodeo to go. A prominent local businessman, Cobb, makes a deal to buy the cattle at above value if Eli wins the Bronco riding event. However, if he loses, Cobb gets the cattle for free. Hoyle accepts this on top of Eli’s protests, since he is aware of how mighty Eli’s thighs are. To assist him, Hoyle and Vernon dress as rodeo clowns to help distract the bronco as needed. The lady duo come to watch and comment on how they disapprove of everything. They are also vegetarians, so do not offer these ladies anything that used to have a face. Their words.
When it becomes Eli’s turn, Hoyle and Vernon try to motivate him. Vernon promises that if Eli ends up dead, he will give him a king’s burial and of course look after Pearl. He makes it through his turn, and is in first place with only one rider to go. The mayor, who is also a champion rider, takes the last turn. “Maybe Pearl won’t leave you.” During his bronco ride, the mayor’s saddle snaps, flinging him to the ground where he is trampled and killed. Hoyle investigates the saddle, and announces that he is not just Flip Flop the clown. He is the sheriff of Great Bend, and in his younger days worked as a nose for a perfumery. He detects a cologne on the break in the saddle strap, and proceeds to smell the crowd for a match. The animal loving sweet ladies are wearing the scent! Hoyle separates them and starts the process of interrogation. “Is this supposed to be annoying?” He ends up vividly describing the eating of animals, which freaks out the girls enough to confess they had only meant to teach the mayor a lesson. “You taught him the lesson of dead!” Eli gets the money, and can now pay his debt. The ladies are transported to Great Bend since the sheriff is not there at the moment. They really can not see how they are cast as villains in all of this, cause they are not bad people.
Episode Seven:
Vernon Shank is running for mayor! The current one is quite corrupt and of course has been in office for eight terms. The problem is that Vernon is an absolutely horrible speaker at the debate. He keeps needing guidance from his cousin/campaign manager, but it does not do him much good. The mayor is very good at his political talk and gets the whole room on his since fairly easily. Just because Vernon lost the debate, does not mean it will go in the newspapers. Tidwell is fond of Vernon so as newspaper editor, he publishes that Shank won. He believes that the newspapers are there to tell people what to think.They discuss how it is a shame that basically all the school age kids are dead from smallpox, drowning, and badger bites. At the jail, the so called sweet lady duo are refusing the meat meal that Pearl has made for them. They request to be sent back to Nicodemus, and Eli tries to tell them that they will be fine here as there are reforms on the way. The ladies have heard that bull before however, and are not buying it. They do like that Vernon is a Republican though. “Black people will always vote Republican.” Photos come to light that doom Vernon’s campaign. In them he is having tea parties etc. with the dead bodies in his care as undertaker. This doom lifts when the mayor wakes up with the stabbed body of Vernon’s cousin in his bed. Hoyle looks at the scene and believes that there has been a frame. The mayor is startled to find out that the ladies he is now in jail with can vote against him in the election. Eli is quite knowledgeable on the subject since Hoyle has been teaching him to read from the city charter. He makes a deal to pardon them if they vote for him instead. At the funeral, Earl and Vernon cry a lot and Tidwell is excited that Vernon will win the election. Hoyle is ready to deliver his conclusions from his investigation. Tidwell moved the body, but did not kill her! The mayor killed her! Hoyle knows cause he read her very explicit and full of explanations diary. As they realize Hoyle will probably arrest them, Tidwell and the mayor flee. They do not get very far, and Hoyle just shoots at them to show that he can get to them in their hidey spot so they should just come out and surrender. As they wait for the suspects to come to their senses, Hoyle and Eli talk about possible baby names etc. After everything that the mayor has done, Vernon still loses the election.
Episode Eight:
Sheriff Hoyle and Eli are once again tracking down Cole Younger when they come upon a mass killing. The dead bodies did not have a pleasant end, it was a nasty icky one. Ephraim Younger is found tied and feathered to a tree, the only one left alive. Sam Star was the perpetrator of this scene, and Ephraim insists that Cole is a gentle breeze next to Sam. Hoyle goes looking for Cole since he had escaped from Sam’s vengeance. A whole lot of law ends up at Lavina’s house. She insists that she does not know where he is, but Hoyle finds a receipt for a size 14 dress. He concludes that Cole must be on his way to San Francisky in a dress. This of course leads to Hoyle jumping on a moving stagecoach. Lavina and Ephraim are not bonding well in jail. Cole and Hoyle end up fighting on top of the coach as Eli rides alongside. Ephraim helps Lavina realize that she is not cursed, it is Cole that is her curse. She is very impressed with his sudden thinking abilities. Cole goes flying off the coach, landing and becomes impaled on a fencepost. With Cole stuck, Hoyle is able to recognize him as the man he shot the nose off of in the civil war. He was not as good of a shot back then. Lavina and Ephraim transition from arm wrestling to sex. It happens. She is not happy when she learns that he had been the informant for Hoyle. Ephraim does not appreciate Hoyle telling his new fiance things that will get him in trouble.
Episode Nine:
Great Bend has become a pretty awesome place, complete with homemade lemon sasperilla soda. I need to find or make that! Hoyle sees a vision of his dead wife Myra, and faints. Honey takes care of him, and he asks her to marry him for the last time. This turns into a fairly sweet moment. Myra appears at Hoyle’s window, and he faints again. The dead wife turns out to be not so dead. They share memories of the gingersnap incident. In Myra’s Hoyle has a fit and demands his gingersnaps. Hoyle remembers her sarcastically wanting to get his gingersnaps and ordering him to stay there. She runs into a neighbor who is also going to the store, and ends up going for the both of them. Myra sees Cole Younger kill the neighbor, and she decides to go into hiding. The reunited husband and wife make out as Honey walks in the door. It is a timely awkwardness. There is a picnic to welcome Myra/Belle Star to the town. Wanda gets the backdoor trots a lot. Honey and Pearl are skeptical about her intentions in coming back. Cole is slowly healing in the jail, but the discharge does not look good. Belle insults Honey, and so she gets told off and then they segue-way into a knife fight. “He got touched a lot by this whore!” Hoyle breaks up the fight. Honey apologizes to Hoyle when he comes to visit her. Belle does not want Hoyle to continue his eight o’clock fornications or anything else with her. Hoyle and Belle consult with Tidwell to check if they are still legally married, which they are. Honey assigns Wanda to follow Belle and see if she does anything suspicious. During the visit with Tidwell, Pearl and then Eli join Hoyle and Belle. It turns into a therapy session, and Tidwell declares that their dysfunction makes them a real family. Vernon keeps interrupting Honey and Wanda as they plan, and does not learn from their increasing hostility towards him. The girls end up going to Hoyle’s to find the diary Belle has been writing in. Wanda tries to play with Tinkerbell, and the hamster gets hissy. Honey finds the diary as Hoyle and Belle walk in. Wanda drinks while they fight. Honey reads the diary aloud, but just ends up making her look good since she has written sweet things. Belle meets up with Sam Star with a map that dooms the town. There is evil laughter.
Episode Ten:
Belle informs Sam Star that the only real opposition to them killing the town is Sheriff Hoyle. Honey overhears their conversation, and goes to warn Hoyle. Honey jumps Belle, and there is a part of Hoyle that wants to let it happen. Giving out the map was part of a double end around plan. Hoyle holds a town meeting in the saloon. Wanda plays mood music in the background as he lays out his plan. The townsfolk end up wanting to just move somewhere else, but Hoyle inspires them to stay and fight.
“We’re going to bend over this time, but we are going to have a gun in our ass!” Hoyle enlists Tidwell and Vernon to help, the rest are to stay safe in the saloon. As they look at the plan in more detail, they name the map with their positions the suicide map. They have excellent survival instincts though. Cole is feeling much better since he has been nursed through his impalement. Belle explains to Cole how much better in bed Hoyle is than Cole. Butterfly kisses! Ephraim comes into the jail to talk to Hoyle, and in so doing gives himself away to Cole. He now knows who has betrayed him, so Ephraim is understandably nervous. Cole observes that it would be best for the survival of the town if Hoyle lets him out of jail and arms him against Sam Star. Showdown time, with a pause for effect. Pearl gets emotional about having all of her father figures in one place. Belle laughs at Eli trying to think and plan out a future with Pearl. Secrets! The fighting starts with molotov cocktails and Vernon’s doll collection being set on fire. Cole and Hoyle are actually very impressive as a team against the entire marauding gang. As it comes down to the now lone Sam, he takes Vernon hostage. Sam gets shot down, and then Cole tries to shoot Hoyle in the back. Belle comes up behind him and kills Cole. She had this all planned out, relying on all the men in her life to take each other out. Pearl leaves with Belle, tired of being stifled in the town. Honey has had it with Hoyle, so the men all go off together.